BEGIN by whingeing about the Prime Minister. Mention one eye, socialism, his Scottishness and waves of Albanians stealing public school places. (300 words)
Next, target the chief constable of a regional police force and his speed cameras. Creeping Big Brother/ stealth tax blah blah. Reactionary nonsense will do here. (300 words)
Lament the passing of the age of speed because of the two above people (150 words).
Remind people you punched Piers Morgan. (50 words)
Gratuitous mention of Zep, Camel, The Who or whoever the cool boys were into at boarding school. (100 words)
Mention (delete if not applicable): Aston Martin/ Ferrari/ Zonda.(60 words)
Say something like: 'Phwoarr, driving this is like Kristin Scott Thomas in a porno with Liz Hurley and Jody Kidd with the biblically epic AC DC blasting in the background as Victorian London shoots the French/ Germans (delete if not applicable) in the greatest prison breakout film, in the world.' (Should take about 500 words, but please ignore the multitude of nonsensical mixed historic metaphors).
Copy/ paste into email to Sunday Times, hit send and check that the Polish bloke clearing the gutters in your Isle of Man tax haven home for £25 hasn't stolen your child's grammar school place.
Retire smug.
